btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
