did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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