FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
