I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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