Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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