So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
