Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
