She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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