the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
