I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
This house was built for laser tag.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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