i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
