dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
