I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So here I am, sexting at work.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
