Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
