someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Drake has all the answers
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
