It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
