Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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