You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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