just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
