Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
