Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
