It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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