I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
