Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
