How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
