hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sorry my hands just texted you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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