so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
