my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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