Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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