Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
