Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
