I look better un-naked...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
