I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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