My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
