i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
