I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
