the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
