i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
