I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
