There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
