I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
