Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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