GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
