Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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