You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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