Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
