how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She told me I should be a condom model.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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