Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
