You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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