Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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