Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
